buddha’s tale

I used to hitchhike a lot. Someone told me that I look like a Buddha. One day I was out there reading Zen Antics: One Hundred Stories of Enlightenment. I was sitting like I am now, and I was homeless at the time, and someone’s like: you like a Buddha!—I was reading the Zen Antics book and I was like: alright—it seems to fit…so I just started telling people my name’s Buddha…“Do you have any interesting hitchhiking stories?”“Tell ‘em—tell ‘em—tell ‘em about the travel buddy!” What—oh—my—the smoke-buddy? Oh-oh! When I got a ride from Weird Al? “Yes!” “You got a—what!?” Yeah, yeah…I was hitchhiking from Lake County to go down to Merced, down south to see a friend I haven’t seen in five years because they moved and they finally moved back to California, and they were like: you need to come down and visit—so I was hitchhiking down to Merced and it’s probably about a good six-hundred-and-fifty mile hitchhike, you know, and um, I got dropped off like part-way through—um—over the Hopland Grade, the mountain up there, and like I was in this tiny-ass town forever and I was trying to hitchhike, and hardly any cars were driving through this town, and this old—like this old beat up 1980’s Ford Escort—comes running through, and it was red and sun-faded, and I started waving my arms like: STAWWWPPP—cause I was dying of being out there, and so the car pulls over and the guy’s over there rolling down his window, and I look in, and I was about to talk and was like uh—uh—and I stepped back a couple of steps, and I was like: nah there’s no way it just happens to look like Weird Al; there would be no way he would stop and pick me up—and so I walked back up to the car, and like the whole time I didn’t even bother asking him: does anyone tell you that you look like Weird Al—nothing like that, you know, I was just talking to this guy normally like I would anybody else,but he was like: you have to sit in the back seat because—and he puts his hands up and he goes I got “my buddy” in the front seat—and it was a vaporizer hooked up to the lighter socket and he had fat nuggets all over his dashboard that he was drying out from his Oregon trip, and, um, he’s like: I hope you don’t mind the smoke—and I’m like: no sir, I said, they don’t call me Buddha for nothing—and he’s like: right on, but you gotta sit in the back seat—you know, and so I sit in the backseat and we talk politics; I mean that’s basically all we did, you know—just pass this hookah hose back and forth—but when I got done with my visit to my friend I went back home and got on the my computer and I was like: I don’t know if that was you or not I was in Hopland Grade; I was like: if that was you I hope you didn’t think I was some weird psycho—and he wrote back and he goes: I didn’t think you knew who I was—you know, and he’s like I hope you enjoyed the company of “my buddy.” I saved that email forever. None of my friends—they were like bullshit, bullshit—you know—so I brought ‘em over there and showed ‘em the email and they were like: oh my god you really got picked up my him! I’ve actually got picked up by quite a few famous people; they’ve had like fishing tournaments and shit, um, around the lake where I was at they had a 153-foot shoreline, and like it was known for big bass—and the biggest bass out there was 15 pounds—and I was out there hitchhiking one day and I’m not sure if y’all know any of the big famous fisherman—Bill Dance picked me up—I got into the truck—I was like—I know your face, and it was when he started talking when I realized I was like oh my god—almost bounced out of his truck—You’re Bill Dance!—and he says: yes sir I am, I’m here for the FLW tournament—thank you for giving me a ride…it was like a little 2 mile trip…it was pretty cool…met a famous person down over by the motel doing security…I was doing something—walking around…doing something and got a radio-in from the front desk, and he’s like: I need you to bring a remote to room whatever it was—and he goes:but just remember to hold your composure—and I was like, you know, it didn’t sink in…I didn’t even think about that, so I go up and knock on the door, and this guy opens the door and I was like: did anybody ever tell you that you look like George Clooney?—and he gave that funky little smile, and I was like: oh my god it’s George Clooney!—you know—and I had to bring a universal remote up there because his remote wasn’t working—I have to have a TV on I can’t sleep without noise going—blah blah blah—I helped him get his TV going…I got to shake his hand…I got all giddy and shit—I was so giddy I didn’t even think about asking him for a picture…went back to the front desk and I was like: you didn’t tell me it was George Clooney in the room!—he was like: I told you to hold your composure!…and the next morning Mary came to pick me up…that was when we had the car still…he was coming out of the elevator: Hey—I didn’t get your name last night…I’m Dustin—and he goes: I’m George.—my skin started crawling…I feel like a high school girl—and I walked up to Mary and said: guess who I just met!